STATUS: *IT'S COMPLICATED*

I always struggle with my emotions for him. Perhaps others have suggested to call me “crazy” for still loving him. But I do not think am crazy. I think am having normal emotions and feelings that make a lot of sense, given in my situation. It has been months since the breakup. We broke up due to a lot of misunderstandings, miscommunications, constant fighting, and a lot of it was caused by me, i will admit that. Although no cheating was involved, I felt like it was "emotional abuse", to the point where we had to break it off. Then lately I went through begging and bargaining because i still love him that much, that obviously didn't work. He cried and said its hurting him. He was scared of losing me. He was so confused yet he needs to do this because of this and that--it was too toxic.

I think I need to take some time off and start seeing things from another perspective--seeing why our relationship was weighing us down instead of supporting our lives. It was immature, selfish, and insensitive to the both of our feelings, due to the assumptions and pride.I sincerely feel bad, but I think he's determined as to what is making him happy right now. Am hurting for so long now. But he has to do what's right by him, because he's the one that has to live with himself by the end of the day. All the bad was outweighing the good and it hurts so much. 

It's hurtful, but it is also alleviating that the hope in me needs to be killed. Knowing that he still loves me that much but he is no longer in love with me--maybe a confirmation am yearning for. I found out things that hurt me more because I snooped and that was wrong of me. I came to terms with the fact that things were completely over between us.Pain has come to pierce my heart. I think about, yes i can detach, but he will forget about me too. and I'm not sure if I want him to forget me yet. The irony isn't lost in me, though. I do realize it isn't under my control, but damn it hurts. 

I can barely remember how it is to be around in his arms or what he smells like. The more he fades, the more my consciousness clings and crave onto him. It's like, I want to let go, but I am not sure that I'm ready to have him entirely removed from my life, although that's probably much better for me. What is going on?

Now, I also can't care less for his happiness. He seems to be immensely happy. It slaps me in the face because I constantly think about him remembering how I waited forever and cried myself to bed. I can't blame him, but I feel betrayed and angered that he let me as well.

My friends are telling me to look for a new boyfriend, but no. I have to learn how to be happy alone and to completely get over my ex before I can jump into another relationship. So here I am angered, I am scared, betrayed, confused, and hopeless. 

I thought that I accepted the break-up, and I DO still see that we'd not work out together at the time, but I'm also conflicted. I really don't want to be with anyone else but him. I don't even know what stage of grieving I am at. It just all seems like a hell but i have to face the fact that there is no more us. 

Maybe the fact that I am loving him is not a shortcoming in me. Maybe am probably a compassionate person capable of commitment. Maybe this is a good thing.

Love is not an emotion that can easily be turned off. I have been in this relationship for a long time with him and have loved him for many years, I will not likely lose those emotions over night. 

Still I wish him happiness. He's gone and I need to accept it.